Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Tomorrow everything changes.

I sit here on the eve of my weight loss surgery in a very funky place. I am not quite sure how to feel.

It was in 2004 that I had my first surgical consult. For 6 years I've hemmed and hawed about having this surgery. I even started the process twice. Never making it past insurance approval.

So many things floating around in my head. Why couldn't I do it by myself with diet and exercise? Why? Has it really come to this?

And now it's here. Is this really happening? Is this really what I want?

I know - as sure as I know there is a sun in the sky - that without this surgery I will not get control of my eating/weight.

I know I need this.

So here I sit. Scared. Anxious. Anticipating. Hungry. Timid.

New Discoveries

These last 5 days have been action packed! Being on this liquid diet has really taken me on an amazing journey of self discovery. I've made a couple of personal and medical discoveries I'd like to share with you.

I am a Food Addict
I knew I was addicted to food but I really didn't know what it meant to be addicted. Let me explain. I love food. I know that I over eat. I can't have half a cup of pasta. That is just silly to me. I will though have possibly 2 cups in one sitting. I think about food, dream about food, get excited thinking about food, and most of my happiest memories are around food. I knew that. What I didn't know was how much I would think about food when I couldn't have it and how I would sound wanting it. Day 2 of my liquid diet I started to think about cheating. I would say things like, "Just one bite won't hurt" "No one will know if I just nibble this."These are words that for me echo the sounds of an addiction. If I am not physically hungry why do I want food so badly? Simply: I am addicted. Like an alcoholic craves the drink and lies about being able to "control" the amount so am I with food. Truth be told, it wouldn't stop at one bite. I am learning that now. If given choices I will eventually make the wrong choice. Being on this liquid diet has really helped me to see this. I am still struggling with the need to eat emotionally. I want it!


Hematology 101
A week or so ago I had some preoperative test done. All the favorites: an EKG, upper GI, X-rays, blood work, and pulmonary function test. My results were given to my doctor who has to clear me for surgery. On Thursday my doctor informed me there were some problems with my blood work and EKG and I need to see a hematologist before she could clear me for surgery. So on Friday I saw a fantastic hematologist who informed me of two things: I have a genetic blood disorder and a clotting factor disorder.

Thalassemia Minor: Basically my hemoglobin is weird. On blood work I appear to be anemic. No big problem here. It's something you live with. It occurs in people of Mediterranean descent and is believed to cause Resistance to malaria. In many ways its a super power.

Factor XII: Long story short. Looks like I failed a clotting test. In fact I have a clotting disorder affecting my XII factor. This really is no problem for surgery. However, my hematologist did say that this factor XII deficiency can be what has caused my multiple (2) miscarriages. Can you believe that. The one thing to fix this. An aspirin a day. AMAZING. It's one of those things you don't find unless you're looking for it. WOW.

So, that's what I've been doing. Still trying to get everything arranged for my surgery date - which by the way is March 10. Well look at that...time to have lunch. Vanilla Protein shake anyone?

Liquid Diet - Day 1

I am not going to make it.

I am soooo hungry! I have to be on this doctor assigned liquid diet for 2 weeks prior to my surgery. It's a low fat high protein diet that will hopefully help me loose 15-20 lbs. It's essential that I follow the diet which will in turn help to shrink my liver. Many obese people have fatty, swollen livers. This can cause a problem during surgery. So we're put on this diet to help shrink our liver which will improve our recovery time. And it's killing me!!

Ok, maybe I am being a tad over dramatic.

I guess this means I officially have started my weight loss journey! In two weeks I'll be recovering from my surgery and on my way to a very healthy me! I really am trying to focus on the positives - what I am gaining rather than what I am loosing. Oh, I see a future post in here!

So for now... stay away.... I am pretty cranky.... my sweet husband just texted me: "da da dut dut da I am loving you" and all I thought about was McDonald's.

For all my infertile fans - this is the new 2 week wait. UGH!

Check back to see if I survive....