Losing to Gain

Losing weight. Gaining weight. Up. Down. It's a roller coaster.

I've lost weight and gained weight so many times. I finally gave up. I would work so hard and really push myself to lose and then gain it all back. Plus 10 extra pounds.

I would do well. I would do really well. One time at Weight Watchers I was disciplined for losing too fast. Imagine that.

I've denied myself over and over again. Repeating the mantra "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

Surprisingly I am doing alright on this liquid diet. Once I got around the thought of not eating I was okay. I am having some other side affects from the shakes that I can't live with.

Now in 48 hours everything will change. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.

People often ask me what is my "goal weight". To be honest I haven't really thought about it. I really have no idea - no way to comprehend what it feels like to be something other than obese. I've always been fat. For me to be under 200 lbs is a huge goal. I almost made it once. But never crossed the finish line to Onederland. My goals for this surgery are very different. For me it's not so much about losing weight but about gaining goals. Those are the things I have to focus on. Over and over I have to remind myself that I've eaten everything I possibly could in 34 years of living. I know what prime rib and pasta taste like. I know how a greasy, juicy burger feels as it slides down your throat. I've experienced these things. Other things I have not. Those are the things I am gaining.

My focus, my resolve is to center on these items. My new mantra:

"Nothing tastes as good as .....

• crossing your legs
• wearing a "regular size" pair of jeans
• sitting on an airplane and not feeling like you are spilling over
• buckling an airplane seatbelt and not needing a seat belt extender
• walking up a flight of stairs without panting
• being medication free (no more metformin)
• playing with my nieces and nephews on the floor
• sitting on the floor comfortably
• feeling like you belong in your own skin......feels.

Finally, and most importantly, nothing, absolutely nothing, is better than feeling prepared and able to battle infertility with a healthy body.

Losing to gain ... a new way of looking at life. A new life. Here I come!